Primal Mama

I feel the need to apologize to K, but mostly I feel the need to apologize to myself. I feel as if something foreign is living inside of me and I’m not talking about the baby. I’m talking about something in my brain and heart that whispers to my insecurities and spurs on tears.

This last week I felt as though I could cry every single day. I have given in and cried on a few of those days. I’ve cried tears of joy that I’m pregnant and the baby made it through the first trimester. I’ve cried tears of fear that this is going to change my amazing relationship with K. I’ve cried out of fear that our marriage will never be the same. Mostly I’ve selfishly had tears of sadness as I can no longer button my two pairs of pants that I loved to wear to work. And no, I haven’t gained a pound this pregnancy, in fact I’ve lost six pounds, which only adds to the sadness.

It doesn’t feel fair or logical to me, that I would lose weight and yet my pants already would become so much tighter. The truth is I have an incredibly short waist and there is no where for this baby to grow but out. I will not have the long cute belly. I will not look like the pregnancy clothing models. I need to accept it. Today as I sat in the doctor’s office listening to the heart beat she could even tell which side of my belly the baby is on more because it’s bigger than the other side. And yes, that is where I cramp the most. Ah, pregnancy.  I’m fifteen weeks tomorrow and I know that this is the point where most women’s pants stop fitting like before, somehow I had deluded myself to think because I was being healthy that it wouldn’t happen to me.

K has been understanding and supportive. He told me despite the trials in our life together so far he only feels more in love with me. He said that he doesn’t see my body changing or having a baby doing anything other than bring us closer together and making him love me more. I pray he is correct. To which he replies as long as God is the center of our relationship I am correct. I have a good man. Thankfully, I know these are not only words for K. He believes these words and believes in God more than anything else.  K, thanks for handling these ups and downs with me and being on this crazy journey of life with me. I love you!