Confidence Lost

There have been times in my life where I felt insecure. Junior high was one such time. Each time I begin a new job I go through a few weeks of insecurity as I try to establish myself and learn from mistakes that will inevitably transpire. Usually though, I am quite confident.

Where did my confidence go? Why am I unable to see God as my strength in this new role? He has always provided and protected me before. Why am I unable to trust the almighty God with our child? Why do I think I need to control every aspect of his/her life to keep her safe when I am no where near as powerful as the Lord?

Most of my life I have felt secure in my faith. This allowed me to feel confident in who I was as a Child of God. I did not always enjoy being different and sometimes I wanted to fit in, but even as a child and teen I usually was brave enough and confident enough to do what I knew was right. I would defend the person being picked on even though I might worry that the bully might turn on me. I would say I don’t drink at 20 even though people would initially laugh and poke fun. Usually I would win peoples respect and friendship as I didn’t judge them, but held true to who I was.

Since discovering I was pregnant I feel insecure on the regular. I feel pressure. After all I was a child and family therapist. I was a parenting trainer. I was a parent/infant attachment expert. And the truth was I was good at all of those jobs. Happy clients that made progress increased my confidence. When I had a difficult case I wasn’t too proud to read and get second opinions and I learned from those cases and felt more confident going forward. I was even confident in the not knowing. I could tell a family, I want to give you the best advice and I feel as if I need to sit on this for a day or two, maybe get a second opinion and we will dive back into this later. I was confortable not knowing.

Now I lay awake in bed terrified. Will I be a good mom. In the moment I won’t always have a day or two to look up answers or gain second opinions. I’ll have to guess and do my best and I know I’ll make mistakes. And it will affect this child. K reminds me that we have to place this child and our parenting in God’s hands and that worry is not from God. He is right. I tell him that I do not know how to get rid of these thoughts, but I do give them all to God in prayer. This world is so evil. As a therapist I feel as though I was exposed to the worst of it. I worked with those hurt by the sins of others or even their own sinful desires, addictions, and dysfunctions.  I fear how that will affect our child. What will s/he hear and see at daycare or school. It makes me wish we could afford for me to quit my job and stay home with our children. Yet, I love helping children and I love my job. I simply want to protect my child from the inevitable loss of innocence that will happen in this world and I can’t. I feel helpless. I feel overwhelmed. I can hardly breathe.

Where did my confidence go? Why am I unable to see God as my strength in this new role? He has always provided and protected me before. Why am I unable to trust the almighty God with our child? Why do I think I need to control every aspect of his/her life to keep her safe when I am no where near as powerful as the Lord?