I Needed to Cry

A few days following my last post my parents were over visiting. My mother asked how things were going. It was the only trigger I needed. The tears poured fourth and my insecurity was laid out for K, my mom, and my dad to see.

I felt vulnerable, exposed, but I  also felt release. In my last post I mentioned that I felt like I couldn't breathe. It's because I wasn't truly  letting it go. I might pray a prayer or tell K a worrisome thought. That was as far as it went. I didn't weep before the Lord.

This day on my couch with my husband wide eyed in shock I rambled out all of these fears and sobbed physically releasing the tension and fears that had built not only in my mind, but in my body. Since then I have felt much better.

My mom and dad were incredibly supportive and agreed that yes I will make mistakes, but reminding me that it will be okay. God is bigger, as my mom loves to say. She reminded me that we give our mistakes to God as he commands he can bring forth good out of any horrible situation, we simply have to remember to give it to him.

K did chastise me slightly after my parents left. I think he felt embarrassed that he hadn't caught on to how big my fears really had been. How could he have though, while I was exposing the tip of the ice berg of my feelings with him I was keeping a large part covered up. He so generously offered that if I cannot sleep I can wake him up to talk or cry. He reminded me that I am his partner and that it hurts him to know I was feeling the amount of fear and insecurity  and he hadn't known about it. He is right of course. If we are partners I need to be completely vulnerable with him, not only partly.

I have cried once since then over the fears and it helps. I've also cried watching things about Syrian Refugees on the news, even watching a presidential debate. But the crying helps. I use to cry a great deal. It was how I let my feelings out. Somehow in the last year or so I lost that. Partly I think it was because I was so happy that I didn't feel the need to cry, and partly as I think about it I believe I felt like now I'm a mom, I need to be bigger, stronger, wiser for this child and I can't be a crying mess.

But parent or not. I'm human. And I have a husband and we both try to be bigger, stronger, and wiser for one another. It's okay to be vulnerable with him, and it is okay for him to be vulnerable with me. Together we can be the biggest, strongest, and wisest parents we are capable of being for this child, but apart while I can't speak for him, but I can feel small, insecure, weak, and unsure. Thank you Lord for such a wonderful partner and husband!