The Sad News

This past week my husband and I decided to reread the Harry Potter series together, out loud. He opened up my English copy of Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone and out fell a card from a floral shop. Assuming it was from an old boyfriend K teased me, but I knew that while boyfriends gave me flowers none of them had them delivered with a card.

Instead the flowers had been a sympathy bouquet from my best friend. I had just lost my first child to a miscarriage. I read the words that she loved and was praying for me. She was sorry for my loss. It left me reliving the numbness I felt before the pain sunk in. Sometimes I forget that I could have had a 6 year old running around my house right now. Instead K and I are expecting our first. It made me worry that I hadn't felt the baby move in a few days. I'm over a week away from my next doctor's appointment and anxious to hear the heartbeat.

All selfish thoughts. All about me, my baby, and K. That very night my best friend who had once upon a time sent me flowers started contractions and bleeding. She was 36 1/2 weeks with twins. She had an appointment two days before and both babies were fine. One of the girls made it and the other was still born after an emergency C-section. 

My friend who once comforted me is not losing another baby. She had five miscarriages before making it this far with her twins. My heart breaks for her and her husband. Why? Why would the Lord allow her to lose six children? I don't understand and I never will. But I know that God was my great comforter and strength. He is the one that healed me before and He will be there for my friend. 

I admit my fear is spiked selfishly for me and my own child. I hate that. Why can't I simply feel empathy for her. Why do I turn everything and make it about me and how it affects me. If you read this pray for my friend. If you read this pray that I will love selflessly. Maybe that is something motherhood can help teach me. I pray and hope it does. 

I Needed to Cry

A few days following my last post my parents were over visiting. My mother asked how things were going. It was the only trigger I needed. The tears poured fourth and my insecurity was laid out for K, my mom, and my dad to see.

I felt vulnerable, exposed, but I  also felt release. In my last post I mentioned that I felt like I couldn't breathe. It's because I wasn't truly  letting it go. I might pray a prayer or tell K a worrisome thought. That was as far as it went. I didn't weep before the Lord.

This day on my couch with my husband wide eyed in shock I rambled out all of these fears and sobbed physically releasing the tension and fears that had built not only in my mind, but in my body. Since then I have felt much better.

My mom and dad were incredibly supportive and agreed that yes I will make mistakes, but reminding me that it will be okay. God is bigger, as my mom loves to say. She reminded me that we give our mistakes to God as he commands he can bring forth good out of any horrible situation, we simply have to remember to give it to him.

K did chastise me slightly after my parents left. I think he felt embarrassed that he hadn't caught on to how big my fears really had been. How could he have though, while I was exposing the tip of the ice berg of my feelings with him I was keeping a large part covered up. He so generously offered that if I cannot sleep I can wake him up to talk or cry. He reminded me that I am his partner and that it hurts him to know I was feeling the amount of fear and insecurity  and he hadn't known about it. He is right of course. If we are partners I need to be completely vulnerable with him, not only partly.

I have cried once since then over the fears and it helps. I've also cried watching things about Syrian Refugees on the news, even watching a presidential debate. But the crying helps. I use to cry a great deal. It was how I let my feelings out. Somehow in the last year or so I lost that. Partly I think it was because I was so happy that I didn't feel the need to cry, and partly as I think about it I believe I felt like now I'm a mom, I need to be bigger, stronger, wiser for this child and I can't be a crying mess.

But parent or not. I'm human. And I have a husband and we both try to be bigger, stronger, and wiser for one another. It's okay to be vulnerable with him, and it is okay for him to be vulnerable with me. Together we can be the biggest, strongest, and wisest parents we are capable of being for this child, but apart while I can't speak for him, but I can feel small, insecure, weak, and unsure. Thank you Lord for such a wonderful partner and husband!

Confidence Lost

There have been times in my life where I felt insecure. Junior high was one such time. Each time I begin a new job I go through a few weeks of insecurity as I try to establish myself and learn from mistakes that will inevitably transpire. Usually though, I am quite confident.

Where did my confidence go? Why am I unable to see God as my strength in this new role? He has always provided and protected me before. Why am I unable to trust the almighty God with our child? Why do I think I need to control every aspect of his/her life to keep her safe when I am no where near as powerful as the Lord?

Most of my life I have felt secure in my faith. This allowed me to feel confident in who I was as a Child of God. I did not always enjoy being different and sometimes I wanted to fit in, but even as a child and teen I usually was brave enough and confident enough to do what I knew was right. I would defend the person being picked on even though I might worry that the bully might turn on me. I would say I don’t drink at 20 even though people would initially laugh and poke fun. Usually I would win peoples respect and friendship as I didn’t judge them, but held true to who I was.

Since discovering I was pregnant I feel insecure on the regular. I feel pressure. After all I was a child and family therapist. I was a parenting trainer. I was a parent/infant attachment expert. And the truth was I was good at all of those jobs. Happy clients that made progress increased my confidence. When I had a difficult case I wasn’t too proud to read and get second opinions and I learned from those cases and felt more confident going forward. I was even confident in the not knowing. I could tell a family, I want to give you the best advice and I feel as if I need to sit on this for a day or two, maybe get a second opinion and we will dive back into this later. I was confortable not knowing.

Now I lay awake in bed terrified. Will I be a good mom. In the moment I won’t always have a day or two to look up answers or gain second opinions. I’ll have to guess and do my best and I know I’ll make mistakes. And it will affect this child. K reminds me that we have to place this child and our parenting in God’s hands and that worry is not from God. He is right. I tell him that I do not know how to get rid of these thoughts, but I do give them all to God in prayer. This world is so evil. As a therapist I feel as though I was exposed to the worst of it. I worked with those hurt by the sins of others or even their own sinful desires, addictions, and dysfunctions.  I fear how that will affect our child. What will s/he hear and see at daycare or school. It makes me wish we could afford for me to quit my job and stay home with our children. Yet, I love helping children and I love my job. I simply want to protect my child from the inevitable loss of innocence that will happen in this world and I can’t. I feel helpless. I feel overwhelmed. I can hardly breathe.

Where did my confidence go? Why am I unable to see God as my strength in this new role? He has always provided and protected me before. Why am I unable to trust the almighty God with our child? Why do I think I need to control every aspect of his/her life to keep her safe when I am no where near as powerful as the Lord?

Primal Mama

I feel the need to apologize to K, but mostly I feel the need to apologize to myself. I feel as if something foreign is living inside of me and I’m not talking about the baby. I’m talking about something in my brain and heart that whispers to my insecurities and spurs on tears.

This last week I felt as though I could cry every single day. I have given in and cried on a few of those days. I’ve cried tears of joy that I’m pregnant and the baby made it through the first trimester. I’ve cried tears of fear that this is going to change my amazing relationship with K. I’ve cried out of fear that our marriage will never be the same. Mostly I’ve selfishly had tears of sadness as I can no longer button my two pairs of pants that I loved to wear to work. And no, I haven’t gained a pound this pregnancy, in fact I’ve lost six pounds, which only adds to the sadness.

It doesn’t feel fair or logical to me, that I would lose weight and yet my pants already would become so much tighter. The truth is I have an incredibly short waist and there is no where for this baby to grow but out. I will not have the long cute belly. I will not look like the pregnancy clothing models. I need to accept it. Today as I sat in the doctor’s office listening to the heart beat she could even tell which side of my belly the baby is on more because it’s bigger than the other side. And yes, that is where I cramp the most. Ah, pregnancy.  I’m fifteen weeks tomorrow and I know that this is the point where most women’s pants stop fitting like before, somehow I had deluded myself to think because I was being healthy that it wouldn’t happen to me.

K has been understanding and supportive. He told me despite the trials in our life together so far he only feels more in love with me. He said that he doesn’t see my body changing or having a baby doing anything other than bring us closer together and making him love me more. I pray he is correct. To which he replies as long as God is the center of our relationship I am correct. I have a good man. Thankfully, I know these are not only words for K. He believes these words and believes in God more than anything else.  K, thanks for handling these ups and downs with me and being on this crazy journey of life with me. I love you!