I am a horrible blogger. Not only is there the occasional spelling error in almost every post, but I hardly post at all. I am busy, as most of us are. It keeps me from this cathartic enterprise, I call online journaling.
K and I are doing as well as can be expected after all we have experienced. A lot has changed since my last post. In my last post I updated you on the birth of our first son, F. He is now almost 3. You would never know he was born early other than how tiny he is. He still wears 24month clothing and pants fall down all of the time because he has a petite frame. But he is full of life. He had curly hair and a smile that lights up the room. Over the last year he outgrew the need for physical therapy, outgrew the need for occupational therapy, and last month he outgrew the need for speech. He still has one surgery ahead this January, he has had four surgeries so far in his life and we are excited to be done with that chapter of our lives. He is a cuddle bug, a reader, a creator, a talker, a dancer, a runner, and a dreamer. And we hope someday he will be a man with a heart for the Lord. I love listening to him say his prayers and seeing him reading his children's bible, but for now to him it is still stories and reciting words. I love watching him grow.
In my last post I mentioned that K and I were trying to become pregnant again. Our third round of climid fertility drugs worked and I was pregnant. We added weekly hormone shots and other drugs to try and keep me from having a baby 4 months early this time, but we were scared and clung to God and one another. At 22 weeks I called my midwife team, I wasn't having contractions but I felt like the baby was pushing his way out. I told her I knew it seemed silly but it didn't feel right. My midwives believed me and scheduled an emergency ultrasound. My cervix was borderline doing surgery to show me shut. They suggested rest and redid an ultrasound 3 days later. It has shortened by 3cm and Js head was pressing down on it, it was time for an emergency surgery to try and keep this baby in. The remainder of the pregnancy I was on restricted activity. It was difficult. I wanted to pick up F and I couldn't. I wanted to make love to my husband and I couldn't. Any wrong move could make the baby come. My anxiety shot up and went on anti anxiety meds to help for the remainder of the pregnancy. It worked and they removed my stitches and immediately I was 5cm dilated. A week later I went into labor and J was born at 38 weeks. He came out purple and not breathing and spent 2 hours in the NICU. It was much better than him spending 4 months there. I received my natural birth that I wanted completely lucid with zero drugs. I loved it. It was so much better than the first experience even though I pushed for hours.
F and J light up our lives. J is 9 months now and beginning to crawl. He babbles and smiles and still prefers mommy's boobs to any food. Our lives are busy and full. Almost too full. With F we were in isolation. We were not suppose to be in crowds like churches or have people in our home or go to peoples homes. His health was frail and he wasn't supposed to be exposed to anything. We used to host Bible studies in our home and were active in church and that just stopped with Fs birth. Finally in May 2018 we were given the go ahead to return to normal life. It was summer and it was beautiful. We went to church on Sundays. F went into the nursery and he loved getting to play with other children. It warmed our hearts. He had missed out as much as we had only he hadn't known any other way. K and I joined Bible studies and it worked. It was summer. I wasn't working and the kids had plenty of time with us.
F was doing so well that he no longer qualified for home care and this meant this year our kids had to go to daycare when I returned to work. It has been two months now and it is awful. We hardly have time as a family. J used to be content to play and now because I'm only with him 4 waking hours a day he wants me right there and I can't cook or clean. F acts out for attention and by Tuesdays is already asking for the weekend and saying "mommy stay home?"every day. It breaks my heart. I am contracted through the rest of this school year. I love being a counselor in a school. I love making a difference in the lives of kids and feeling as if God is using my talents, but not at the expense of my kids.
K and I discussed it and we are going to embark on a new journey. Now that I'm finally done with grad school and I'm comfortable in my job after 5 years here, this is it. Next year I'm staying home. Only F has missed out on enough social interactions with kids and he loves his daycare friends. So we are opening a daycare only open on days that that teachers in our district are required to work and 30 minutes before and after their required contracted hours. I am already half full for next year. I'm nervous about having our house thrown into chaos and managing 7-9 kids on my own, but I feel it is what is best for F & J. Both of them will have me and friends around them. And K thinks it is best for us too. I will start work when I use to leave for work and be done 30 minutes before I usually even get home. I'm more than structured and organized enough that being home works for us. And that 30 minutes to cook a meal means I won't be doing it as we both rush in the door and the kids want all of our attention. Instead we get 30 more minutes of family time.
Spiritually we think it will be good as well. K and I loved our groups this summer, but now that the kids only see us 4 hours a day during the week they hate us leaving for Bible Studies. They didn't care in the summer, but now its mommy don't go, daddy don't go. And we left our group and went to a by-weekly group so that we can compromise meeting our kids needs and our own.
I feel God's peace in this decision, especially as we are crazy and thinking about having another child. I told K I want to wait until F is 4 and J is 2 before we try. I want them big enough to easily climb on and off my laps without me having to pick them up, just thinking of that being easier to handle when pregnant again. I'm excited about this being in our future.
Yes, K and I are stressed out, but we are happy. Yes, we are busy. We are also full. God has blessed us and we are trying to be the best stewards of our blessings by making this change. We are all excited. I hope to maybe have more time to get back into blogging. When it isn't a yearly update I feel as if they have more meaning and God can use them more. I hope that happens. I hope God uses this to speak to someone and maybe the only person He speaks to through this is me, but that is still a good thing.
